Trained Monkeys and Televised Madness
by JennyandAubrey
Summary: This is a bizarre seventh year fic. Read at your own risk! Crazy, funny stuff happens. I am not going to give it all away, you're just going to have to read it. Warning: This is a slashtastic fic with a lot of swearing!
1. Chapter 1: On the Hogwarts Express

**Hello Everyone! This is AubreyElla (Aubrey) and ErynGalen (Jenny) co-writing this fic. Hope ya'll enjoy it! Check out our joint author profile to find links to our other fics. And we love reviews, all our reviewers are rewarded really well. **

**This chapter is dedicate to Aubrey and Jenny, the geniuses behind this, whatever it is. (We're not egotistical! Well, not really!)**

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing… except for this twisted plot.

**Warning:** This will be an eventual slashtastic fic, if you don't like it, don't read it.

**Summary:** This is a seventh year fic, other than that, you'll just have to wait and see. We are not giving anything away. We want it all to be a surprise. Hehe… I'm evil.

**(Aubrey)**: Hope you all like this, it is going to be a bit weird.

**(Jenny): **Very weird//is thinking up weird ideas/

**(Aubrey):** Title is just a working title… I don't like it very much, not very creative. Anyone out there have any ideas?

Ok, here we go…

**Weird Misunderstandings **

**Chapter 1: On the Hogwarts Express**

Harry sat in his sitting room watching the television. Actually, he was sitting in front of the television thinking, and waiting for Blaise Zabini to show up. He was thinking about how he got involved with Blaise. It was three days after the last term let out, and he was at the Dursleys.

The last stay with the Dursleys had been hell. Uncle Vernon and Dudley had left Harry with multiple bruises, and a broken arm. He knew he was supposed to stay for at least a week, but he couldn't make it longer than three days. So, he left, took the Night Bus to the Leaky Cauldron and set up house there until his seventeenth birthday. Nobody seemed to miss him. He didn't receive any mail during his stay there. So, he sat in his room at the Leaky Cauldron, alone, on his birthday. There he decided to move into muggle London, and not go back to Hogwarts in the fall for his seventh year. It was a perfect plan, let the whole wizarding world deal with dear old Voldie. Nobody appreciated him anyway. It would have worked too, if he hadn't run into Blaise in a pub.

It was a week after his birthday, and he had found a flat in London. He was sitting at the bar having a pint, when someone sat down next to him. Harry didn't pay any attention until he heard, "Well, if it isn't the boy-who-lived. The mighty Gryffindork, himself."

Harry looked and said, "Zabini, what are you doing here?"

"The same thing you are, drinking."

"Well next one is on me," Harry said. Even if it was the son of a death eater next to him, he was glad to have company. That night they sat there, drinking pint after pint, and opening up to each other. Harry learned that Blaise was in hiding because he didn't want to get the dark mark. Blaise learned that Harry was giving up on the Wizarding world. They talked until the pub closed, and Harry brought him home to continue their conversation. However, once they got there, they were all over each other. It was that night that Harry realized that he was gay.

Harry learned a lot from Blaise. He learned that he liked the pain of tattoos. On one of their many drunken nights, Harry and Blaise had went to get tattoos, Harry got a dragon between his shoulder blades, and Blaise had gotten a fairy on his hipbone. Since then, Harry had gotten a full sleeve tattoo. He had also gotten many facial piercing, his ears were pierced all the way down, and his lip, tongue, and nose were also pierced. Blaise was there for every one of those. He was also present for his nipple piercings, and Prince Albert piercing. Blaise hadn't gone to the extreme that Harry had in the body art department. Though Blaise had gotten his ear, and nose pierced, he hadn't gotten any more tattoos. He had told Harry that he didn't like the pain, but understood that Harry did like, and needed, the pain. He understood that at least Harry was feeling something.

So, here Harry was sitting. Waiting for Blaise, the man who had made him feel wanted. It was Blaise who convinced him to return to school for his seventh year. Blaise, who understood him better than anyone. If Harry had only felt that burning passion for him, he would be perfect.

Just then, Blaise popped into his apartment. He was barely 5'10'' tall and had short dark hair. He also had dark, Italian features, and he held himself with a natural grace that Harry would never be able to learn. He was stunning, Harry knew, and it would be hard for the other boys to keep their hands off. Harry was jealous, Blaise was his boyfriend after all. Harry stood up, looked down at the smaller man and smiled.

Blaise smiled back and said, "I got all your books, and some new school robes because your old ones probably don't fit anymore. I swear that you are at least five inches taller than me. I also got you something to wear to the train tomorrow."

"Thanks. Anyway, I have an appointment with the tattooer to finish my sleeve. You ready?" Harry said as he lit a cigarette.

Blaise looked at Harry's right arm, which was covered in a jungle scene complete with tigers and dragons. He took the cigarette from Harry, took a long drag, exhaled it and said, "Yep, lets go."

They walked to the tattoo parlor, and Harry sat down in the chair. The tattooer, a man named Zach, started on his arm. Harry didn't even flinch. Blaise smiled from a nearby chair, and said, "I saw Weasley and Granger when I was buying our books."

"Good for you," Harry said.

"Well, I overheard part of their conversation. They said something about Dumbledore not letting them contact you. Weasley seemed pissed, Granger seemed to understand why. She reminded Weasley, that Dumbledore seemed to think you needed to find yourself. You shouldn't be mad at them."

Harry sat in the chair, while Zach was coloring in one of the many dragons he had drawn on his arm. He looked at Blaise and said, "I am not going to forgive them that easily."

"Okay, I understand. But tell me, what have you learned about yourself this summer?"

Harry seemed to ponder that question, and said, "Well, I guess I have learned that I am gay. That isn't the most important lesson though, I think I have learned that not all Slytherins are shits." He smiled at Blaise as he said that.

Blaise laughed at that, and said, "Remember that when you see Draco tomorrow. And you had better be nice to him, he is my best friend after all. Anyway, that isn't all you have learned. You have learned that you can't conform to anyone's ideas about you. Just look at you, you're sitting here getting the last part of your tattoo. Also, your hair is long, and you have a really sweet goatee. I wish my facial hair would grow in like that. But that isn't my point. I mean that once you show up for the train tomorrow, jaws are going to drop. It isn't just going be because of the fact that you are gorgeous, it is also going to be because nobody is going to bloody expect this transformation you have gone through this summer. Let me ask you a question, do you think you have changed for the better?"

Harry pondered the question, and replied, "I wouldn't go back to what I was."

Blaise smiled, and said, "Well then next time you see Dumbledore, thank him. Without him, you wouldn't be you. I'll be sure to thank him too."

Just then, Zach, stated he was finished so Harry and Blaise left. They went back to Harry's flat that Blaise had practically moved into, and started to pack. It was well after midnight before they were finished and exhausted. So they went to bed, and the next morning came way too soon.

Harry woke, showered and put the clothes that Blaise got for him. He looked in the mirror and looked at himself. He was wearing black tight fitting trousers, and a black sleeveless top. He threw on a black leather jacket, boots, and belt to finish the assemble. He walked out and told Blaise that it was his turn, and he had better hurry, because they were going to be late. Blaise did so, and were soon waiting to pass through the barrier to get onto platform nine and three quarters. Harry smiled, kissed Blaise, and said, "I'll see you on the train."

Blaise smiled, nodded and walked through the barrier. Harry followed and saw that Blaise had already joined the Slytherins. Harry smiled and winked at him from across the station, went to board the train and find a compartment.

Over with the Slytherins, a certain blond was watching the tall, dark, brooding figure that just walked through the barrier. 'Who the hell is that," he thought. Then he saw him look over and wink at his best friend. "Who the hell is that, Blaise?" he said.

Blaise laughed and said, "Not telling, Drake, you're going to have to figure that on your own. Now lets go find a compartment."

They boarded the train, and went in search of a compartment. The only one not full of first years was the one with Harry in it. Draco strode in and said, "Mind if we share this compartment with you."

Harry looked up, and saw Blaise mouth 'he doesn't recognize you,' behind Draco's back. He smirked and said, "Sure." Blaise and Draco entered, and Blaise sat down next to Harry.

Draco looked at him closely, trying to figure out who this beautiful man in front of him is. "You a transfer?" Draco asked Harry.

"Nope," Harry answered. Then he took off his jacket, and his tattooed arm was exposed. Harry almost lost it when he saw Draco's eyes widen.

"Who the fuck are you then?" Draco demanded.

Harry laughed, and said, "I'll give you a hint. Have a nice summer, Malfoy?" Harry said, and then pointed to Draco's hair and said, "Nice pink streaks by the way." _(Squee!)_

Draco's eyes widened in shock, it was bloody fucking Potter. Harry said, "I guess you figured it out. I thought my eyes were a dead giveaway, but I guess not."

Just then the compartment burst open and Pansy burst in. "Draco there you are," she said and then she noticed the man in there with them and she turned on the charm. "Who are you? Are you new?"

"Pans, it is fucking Potter," Draco said. Then he smiled when he saw her eyes widen in shock.

Blaise laughed, and said, "Yeah, and you better lay off. He's mine."

Harry, who was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, tried to change the subject and as he lit a cigarette he said, "Anyone know who Head Boy and Girl are?"

Draco smirked, and said, "As if you don't know." Then he saw the look of confusion rush across his face. "It is bloody Granger and the Weasel. I don't know what this school is coming to, it is now being run by the damn Gryffindorks."

Harry laughed and he handed the cigarette to Blaise who puffed on it. He said, "This should be interesting."

Just then the compartment burst open, Hermione stood there and said, "Ten points from Slytherin for smoking on the train."

Draco looked smirked, pointed at Harry and said, "It wasn't us it was him. You should be taking points from your own house."

Hermione spun around and looked at the man smoking. Then she passed out when she realized who it was.

"Fuck," Harry said as he stood up and lifted Hermione into his arms. Blaise moved so Harry could lay her on the seat.

When she woke, she said, "What did you do Harry? When did you start hanging out with the Slytherins?"

"None of your business, Hermione. Now fucking leave," Harry replied.

Hermione looked was about to retort then she noticed that across from her sat Pansy, Blaise, and Malfoy. She was outnumbered so she quietly picked herself up, and with a muttered, "You'll understand soon," she left, fuming.

Harry took a deep breath and turned to look at the Slytherins in the compartment. Blaise went to hug him, and when they were done they sat down. Harry looked at Draco and said, "What's up with the pink hair, Malfoy."

Pansy laughed and said, "He lost a bet." When she saw Draco glare at her, she continued, "Yeah, I bet him that I could sleep with more guys over the summer than he could. I won, so I got to dye his hair pink. I was nice though, it isn't all pink it is only streaked. I know that he secretly likes it. "

Blaise laughed, "That was a stupid bet, Drake. You know Pansy's a whore. Anyway, what else did I miss this summer?"

Pansy looked at Blaise with pretend hurt, but said, "We all decided that the death eaters are pussies and all of us except Millicent refused the dark mark. You are no longer alone Blaisey."

Blaise laughed and said, "Told you so. We'll have to keep an eye on the fat tub of smelly lard; she'll rat on all of us."

Draco smirked, and said, "Two steps ahead of you, Blaise. We have decided to not let her into the Slytherin rooms. Pans here found a spell which will make her break into nasty boils all over her body when she tries to enter."

Blaise laughed and said, "Perfect."

Harry sat back and watched these three talk. He was not looking forward to seeing the rest of the Gryffindors especially if Hermione's reaction was anything to judge. All too soon though the train came to a stop, and everyone started to board the carriages to take them to the castle. Harry went into the castle with the Slytherins, but when he entered the Great Hall for the start of term feast he felt the entire school turn and look at him. 'Seems like Hermione got the word around,' he thought. He muttered a goodbye to his newfound friends and walked toward the Gryffindor table and sat down by himself. Ron got up to join him, and when he sat down, he asked, "Why didn't you contact me? Where have you been all summer? You were supposed to be my best fucking friend, and you abandoned me."

Ron looked at his friend, and said, "Harry it wasn't that easy. Dumbledore refused to let us talk to you." Ron saw that Harry was about to blow up, so he said, "Calm down, Harry. Dumbledore has his reasons."

"Fuck Dumbledore, and his reasons," Harry yelled. Then he got up, walked out of the Great Hall and went outside. He immediately lit a cigarette, and puffed on it. He didn't realize that not only Blaise, but also Draco and Pansy had followed him.

"Give me one of those, Potter," he heard Draco say.

Harry did so and said, "Fuck, I need a drink."

Draco reached into his robes, pulled out a flask and handed it to Harry. Harry took it and with a, "Thanks, Malfoy," he unscrewed the cap and took a long swig. He then turned, handed it back, and said, "You know, you're not so bad."

Draco looked at this beautiful man in front of him. The man who until just recently, he hated, the man who was dating his best friend. He looked at Harry and watched him smoke his cigarette. 'Fuck, shit, fuck, I want him,' he thought. Instead he thought of Blaise, his best friend, who seemed to be head over heals for Potter, and said, "You're not so bad yourself."

They all finished their cigarettes and went back inside. "I'm not going back to the feast," Harry said. Then he continued, "I am going to go wait for Dumbledore so he can tell me exactly why he did this." He walked to Blaise, kissed him on the cheek, and walked toward the Headmaster's office.

Harry stood outside the Headmaster's office waiting. He didn't have to wait long, Dumbledore had obviously left the feast early to find him. After they walked in Harry asked in as calm a voice he could muster, "Why?"

Dumbledore sighed, and after offering Harry a lemon drop, he said, "Well, I wanted you to find yourself. It looks like you did. Because of that I'm glad. I'm also glad that you found new friends."

Harry looked at him, "Yes I did," he said. "What of Voldemort, I was almost certain that you would have me training all summer."

"You mean you haven't been reading the papers?"

**TBC**

Okay! Now review! That is an order… Hehehe.


	2. Chapter 2: On the WWN

**Yay now it's my turn to write a chapter! I've been very excited about starting this story, so now that it's started I'm hyper!**

**This chapter is dedicated to FFN for making us wait three days to post. If we didn't have to wait those three days, we would probably have gotten a review for chapter one and in turn, had someone to dedicate this chapter to.**

**Disclaimer: **The only thing we own is our weird sense of humour and our binge drinking! Try suing us for that … you won't get very much!

**Summery:** In all honesty, I don't think even we know what's gonna happen next! All I know is that it's set in the 7th year and it's going to have lots of slash in it!

**Warnings:** Errr … slash, het, total insaneness? And possibly a monkey in this chapter. And Michael Jackson too! Feel scared yet?

**Chapter 2: On the WWN**

While the Hogwarts express was on its way, Lucius Malfoy sat down in his third drawing room with a mug of coffee (It's started already!) and some biscuits. He was enjoying the silence that the manor brought when Draco was away and Narcissa was out with her friends. Lucius coveted silence like that, sure he loves his family, but they could be just too damn loud for his liking!

That and the fact that when Draco wants something he doesn't ask politely, oh no, instead he screams the house down until he gets what he wants.

So Lucius often finds himself with a migraine. Which is no surprise there. He was just sitting there relieving in the migraine free silence, with his coffee and biscuits when Bubbles, Lucius' adopted chimp brought him the newspaper. The chimp was a long story; let's just say his former owner was a bit plastic, shall we?

"What have you got for me?" Lucius asked the chimp, who handed him some letters and the Daily Prophet.

Lucius looked through the letters, a few were letters of complaint, which Lucius tossed into the fire, one from Narcissa asking for money to be sent to her because she had run out, Lucius sighed and wrote her a cheque, the next was from Draco, probably written just as he got on the train asking Lucius to send over some more cash, which Lucius wrote a cheque for, and finally, the last letter was from his sister-in-law Bellatrix, looking for money too, Lucius wrote a cheque.

Then he got to the newspaper. As he unfolded the newspaper to have a nice relaxing read, the headlines shocked him so much that he fainted.

"Welcome, welcome to this weeks episode of 'Chatty Cathy' on the Wizarding Wireless Network!" The cheerful lady on the T.V. screen announced. The Wizarding world had finally gotten their own TV station, and as expected, it was a huge hit. At the moment, every Witch and Wizard around was watching this station, as this week's episode marks the beginning of a very new era.

Lucius Malfoy was even watching the 'darn muggle contraption' to find out if the rumours were true. He sat in front if the 64-inch screen waiting impatiently for the programme to start, leg bouncing in agitation and anticipation.

"I'm Cathy Williams and as I'm sure you all know that we have a very important guest coming on this show today," The announcer, who looked like a Joan Rivers clone, said.

"We know, get on with it!" a very anxious Lucius shouted at the screen.

"But first, let's have a little talk wit the audience," Cathy said brightly.

"Fuck the audience, come on!" Lucius shouted again, he really needed to know what was up with that article.

"Now, yes hello, what would you like to say?" Cathy asked going towards an elderly woman with a huge boil on the end of her nose.

"Well, Cathy, I first want to say how much I love your show and I –"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Lucius screamed over the T.V.

"- Watch it every week, and my grand children do too, they say –"

"This torture will never end!" Wailed Lucius.

"- That they would love to guest star on the show, but I told them that-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU TOLD THEM YOU HAG, HURRY UP!"

"- You have to be famous first! But then they said that they would be famous just so they could get on your show."

"And what age are they?" Cathy asked her.

"32 and 29," The old woman said smiling showing only gums with no teeth. Cathy visibly cringed.

"Thank god, I thought that fucking crone would never shut up!"

"OK, let's go to our next guest, ah, yes, what do you want to say?"

BOOM! The TV exploded.

"Errr … Bubbles? Contact Jimmy, I need a new TV, and do hurry about it this time," Lucius told the chimp, who hooted in reply. Lucius sighed and sipped his coffee.

Ten minutes later a new TV was up and ready to use, it was taken from Lucius' private stash, as he had a tendency to blow up the TVs if nothing happens.

By the time the TV was tuned and ready, and Chatty Cathy was on the TV again, Lucius had his nails bitten right down to his knuckles and was now starting on his toenails (A/N: EWWW!) he was so nervous. What if the papers were true, what if he really … no, Lucius couldn't even think about it.

"And now the moment you've all been waiting for, introducing our guest star, drum roll please …" Cathy began. Lucius started to hyperventilate he was so nervous about this moment. Damn that drum roll, it seemed to go on forever. Lucius sat forward in his seat to get a closer view on the 64 inch screen, biscuits crushed between his hands he was so nervous.

"Introducing …"

Lucius' hands were so sweaty at this stage that the coffee cup just slipped out and landed all over the expensive carpet spraying the ground around him with coffee. Lucius never noticed, he was transfixed with the TV.

That damn drum roll again!

"LORD VOLDEMORT!" Announced Cathy, and to Lucius' horror out stepped the Dark Lord himself, dressed in a powder blue dress robe and had a wig on his head. Lucius, yet again fainted.

In the studio, Voldemort was waving at the terrified crowd, he seemed not to notice the people running towards the exits, which were bolted shut from outside.

"Lord Voldemort everyone! Sit down here," Cathy told him. Voldemort did just that and sat down on the comfy yellow chair.

After the audience had calmed down a bit, the interview began.

"Don't worry Ladies and Gentlemen!" Cathy said, trying to make them listen to her show and not run to the exits all over again.

"Now, Lord Voldemort -" Cathy began.

"Please call me Voldie, Cathy," Voldemort said.

"OK, So Voldie, care to tell everyone why you're here," Cathy said, sitting back to let him continue.

"Well, Cathy, as I'm sure you all know, I've been a bit of a meanie over the past couple of years –"

One audience member had the insolence to snort at that comment, causing him to be thrown out by the big burley bouncers.

"- You know killing off people, trying to take over the world, hiding the remote, pretty nasty stuff, but I'm here now to amend my ways and hopefully introduce myself back into polite society. The reason I'm here now in front of all of you, is to apologize for the way I've acted over those years, I wasn't thinking straight and let's just say this, I think Wormtail's been sneaking a little something into my coffee."

"So you here to apologize?" Cathy asked.

"Yes, Cathy, I want people to know that I'm not who I used to be, and I want to say sorry for everything that I've done to you all."

"Awww … that's touching! Isn't that touching ladies and gentlemen?" Cathy asked the audience.

There was a grumble in reply.

"A little enthusiasm please?" Cathy asked through gritted teeth.

The audience made a huge show of nodding; screaming 'yes!' and clapping like maniacs.

"I'm happy that you all accept my apologies, I hope to travel around the country to every television show, radio station, and celebrity event, apologizing to everyone, so that hopefully one day everyone would be as excepting as you lovely lot are!" Voldemort complimented.

"That's lovely, now Voldie, can you please tell us, what made you do all those mean things in the first place?"

"Well, Cathy, I suspect someone, _cough_Wormtail_cough_, had slipped some illegal mind control drugs into my daily morning coffee, because all I can remember is one day making up the name 'Lord Voldemort' and then the rest is a blank, it was last Tuesday when I seemed to wake up again, after I decided not to have coffee that morning, I was shocked at what I had done! Nothing I can say can describe how remorseful I feel towards the suffering and pain I've put you all through!"

"So you're saying you were drugged?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying; those drugs were the ones that could put your mind into someone else's control!"

"So someone else was actually doing all those mean things, but you were like their puppet?"

"Exactly."

"So what do you plan to do next?"

"Well, in order to give back to the community and to amend what I've done, I'm opening up an orphanage, a hospital and a old folk's home," Voldie explained.

"Wow, that's good anyway! Do you think I could get a room in the old folk's home when I'm old and grey?" Cathy laughed.

"Certainly, just give me a call, but Cathy, you don't have to worry about that just yet, you still look as young as 21!"

"Oh, Voldie, you flatter me! So what's your next move after setting up these facilities?"

"Advertisement, I want to get people to use what I built, so starting tomorrow I'm hiring anyone with the qualifications needed to run a hospital, orphanage and old folk's home! Any nurses or doctors wanting a job can come down tomorrow, the pay is good and the hours are reasonable!"

"And what are the fees for using your facilities?"

"Free! Anyone with any problem can come to any if these places and not be expected to pay a penny! Except of course if you pick our premium private care, or plan to adopt a lovely, bubbly child!"

"That's reasonable enough, anyway!"

"Yes, I've decided that the public pays too much for their health, so for the first year, treatment is completely free, no matter the case!"

"Now, I have just been informed that we have another guest to join us now, please welcome … LUCIUS MALFOY!" Cathy announced after getting a message that the TV crew had found him.

A dazed and confused Lucius was brought into the studio and sat on the chair opposite Voldemort; he muttered something and took a large gulp from his hip flask, which was filed with coffee.

"Now I'm sure you two gentlemen know each other?" Cathy asked, already knowing the answer but being the annoying hostess, asked it anyway.

Both men (well man-snake if you want to get technical!) nodded.

"Good, now Lucius, why not tell everyone what you think of Voldie's change of heart?"

"I didn't know!" Screamed the panicking Lucius, he didn't do well in front of the camera.

"I only found out this morning!" And then right on cue, he started hyperventilating when the camera pointed at him.

"OH, sober up, Malfoy!" Voldie scolded laughing.

"He's always like this, and if you think he's bad, wait 'till you meet is son!" Voldie told the audience, who genuinely laughed this time.

"Why didn't you tell me! I thought we were BEST FRIENDS! You promised to tell me when you decided to give everything up! WHAT CHANGED!"

"Now, Lucius, none of that," Cathy said, hitting him sharply on the arm. Lucius flinched and clutched his arm grumbling.

"He's like that, very high strung creatures, Malfoy's are!" Voldie joked in a Yoda voice. Yet again the audience laughed.

"But Voldemort -" Lucius began

"Voldie," Corrected Voldie.

"- But, Voldie, what are you at? What's up with all this?" The frightened Malfoy asked.

"I've decided to turn over a new leaf and become a respectable citizen again!"

"By opening an Orphanage!"

"You can adopt if you want, it'll give you a chance to have an actual child and not some snot who's always screaming at you for a pony! 'Daddy get me this!', 'Daddy get me that!', 'Daddy will you give me a million pounds?' Lucius, that boy is an annoying brat, admit it!"

"Keep Draco out of this!"

"Ohhh hit a button!"

"Here from Wormtail lately?"

"Keep him out of this."

"Ohhh hit a button!"

"Stop fighting boys, we have another guest who has just arrived!" Cathy announced excitedly.

Then the sliding doors opened to reveal Michael Jackson, who moon walked out into the studio, and sat down beside Voldemort.

"And who the fuck are you?" Lucius demanded.

"Give me back my monkey!" Jackson demanded.

"I don't have your monkey!"

"Yes you do, you have him serving you your coffee!"

"That's a lie and you know it!"

"What would I lie, what about you? You lie to the postman!"

"Everyone lies to the postman!"

"I don't."

"Everyone who counts lies to the postman!"

"Everyone who's mean lies to the postman!"

"Enough of the postman!" Cathy interjected, as she was sure that Lucius and Michael were about to have a cat fight over the monkey, who was currently smoking in the corner.

"I'm sending you to down to Judge Judy to sort this out, come back when you're going to behave!" Cathy told them, while kicking them out of the studio, to the cheering and catcalls of the audience.

"Rich people, I swear …" She muttered.

"Anyway, after that rather, unexpected interruption, would anyone like to ask Voldie here some questions?"

An old woman stood up and asked, "Yes, Voldie, I hear that your lisp is gone, how did you get rid of it?" The rest of the audience then noticed her very prominent lisp.

"After I was taken off the drug, my speech did get a bit better, but I decided to go to a speech therapist before I started going out in public! It wouldn't do for everyone not being able to understand me! Go to Dr. Fridgeworthy, he is an excellent speech therapist, here's his card!" And then Voldemort levitated the card to the old woman, who jumped with excitement.

Then a young enough man with bleached blond hair stood up, "I notice your skin is much smoother and healthy looking than before, tell me what product you used?"

"I used just plain face cream, but here's the trick, I mixed the face cream with a weak exfoliate and used it every two days, it works much quicker and the results are better!"

A middle-aged woman stood up, she seemed a bit unsure of her self at first, but then after a deep breath she shouted, "DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"

Voldemort just looked at her bemused.

Back at Hogwarts, the great Hall had a huge TV set up where the entire student body could watch this amazing turn of events. None of them could believe what was happening, Voldemort must be messing with them, that wasn't Voldemort up there, anything to explain what was happening was welcome except for the obvious answer …

"It appears that the war is over," Dumbledore announced.

Harry looked confused in his spot over by the Slytherins. Screw detentions, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Blaise saw this and shot a concealment charm to hide the smoke. He looked at his new friends, and whispered sarcastically, "So, now I have to kill Wormtail, and not 'Voldie' as he likes to be called? What a joke."

"Looks that way," Draco said, still red with embarrassment at what had been exposed on the television. Then he added, "Give me one of those," pointing to the cigarette.

**TBC**

I know, a tasteless chapter, but funny, right? Ok… Now review!


	3. Chapter 3: Twink

**Hello all, it is us again. We are really amazed that we didn't get flamed yet, well not really. Someone mentioned something about Voldie being 20 years older than Wormtail, all I have to say to that is, eh, who cares. This story doesn't make much sense anyway. **

**You all can blame this chapter on the fact that Aubrey was listening to a lot of Ween and Tenacious D while writing it.**

**This chapter is also dedicated to: James or jacobimvonstyluss because he came up with the new title for this piece of nonsense. Very creative, man! Also, thanks for being Aubrey's beta, you're the best!**

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing, except for the monkey, Bubbles and the plot, if you can call it a plot.

**Warning: **This fic is slashtastic, with lots and lots of hot, yummy boy on boy action. At least it will be someday. If you don't like that, don't go and get yourself addicted to this story and you know you will get addicted. There is no stopping it.

**(Aubrey) A/N**: Read our other stories. I have nothing really funny to say. Ok, I just thought of something. There is no plot bunny for this story, there is more like a plot snail or three-toed sloth. There is also, Jake, the guy inside my head who tells me to do things. He is in charge of the conflict this time. That's all. Aubrey signing off.

Alrighty then…..

Chapter 3: Twink

Dumbledore stood up and got everyone's attention. "Well with this new turn of events, I believe I will cancel all classes for the next week to celebrate. I also think that a party is in order. Head Boy and Girl will you meet me in my office in half an hour to start planning?" he asked. Then he got up and exited the room.

Thirty minutes later, Hermione found herself outside the gargoyle that guarded the Headmaster's office. "Fucking shit," she mumbled.

"What was that Miss Granger?"

Hermione spun around and saw the feared potions master behind her. "Sorry, Professor," she said. Then she continued to explain herself, "I don't know the password."

Professor Snape laughed. Hermione's eyes widened at this. Did she just hear right, did the most feared and hated man in all of Hogwarts laugh? And why is he grinning at her like a fool? "What is up with you, Professor?" she asked.

"I just never thought I would hear such language from you, Miss Granger."

"Well, then you don't know me very well. Just because I am smart, doesn't mean that I don't curse like a sailor. I do, by the way," she said laughing. "Anyway, what are you doing here? Can you fucking let me in already?"

Snape almost reprimanded her for swearing at him, but then he remembered he didn't have to be that man anymore. So he answered her, "Yes, I can fucking let you in." He laughed when he saw that she just about shit her pants at that comment. He turned to the gargoyle, and said, "Snickers."

The door started to open, and he joined Miss Granger on the moving staircase. When they were in the Headmaster's office, Dumbledore said, "Welcome you two sit down." Then after he offered the usual lemon drop, he said, "Severus, I hear you have ideas for the party. Why don't you and Miss Granger work on them together. I'll get Mr. Weasley to be in charge of decorations or something."

Snape smiled and said, "Sure thing, Albus. Miss Granger do you want to accompany me down to the dungeons and I will let you in on what I have planned."

"Sure," she replied still a little shocked at the sudden change in the Potions Master.

They left the Headmaster's office and walked down to the dungeons. Once there, Severus lead Hermione into his personal sitting room and invited her to sit down. As she sat, she asked, "What the hell has gotten into you, sir?"

"What do you mean?" He replied.

"Why are you being nice to me, Professor I mean I am a Gryffindor. You know, the girl that you have picked on for practically my entire Hogwarts career. I mean, what the fuck is going on?"

"If you must know. I am no longer going to have to live a double life. Do you understand what a weight that is off my shoulders?"

"I can imagine, sir. But, why?"

"Well, Hermione, it is okay if I call you that, right?" he asked and when he saw her nod, he continued, "I finally am free of him and the dark arts, and can focus on myself and making myself happy, instead of focusing on doing my part to save the world. Make sense now?"

"Ok, that makes sense, sort of. What would make you happy?" She asked.

"Well, many things. I don't want to be known as the greasy bat of the dungeons anymore for one."

"Well, that is easy. We wash your hair for a change and you don't wear so much black. And maybe go outside once in a while. What else?" She answered.

"Contrary to popular belief, I do wash my hair."

"Well, then you are not using the right shampoo," she said. Then she asked, "What are you using?"

"My own personal blend of stuff," he replied. Then he summoned the recipe. "Here you go."

"Professor, you are supposed to be one of the best people with potions, but you cannot brew a simple shampoo potion. You added silverleaf, which you stated here was supposed to get rid of hair grease and leave your hair silky and shiny. Instead, silverleaf, does the opposite. You probably want to add a little hydrangea bloom instead. Also, to give your hair excellent highlights you might want to add some columbine petals. Really, how long have you used this and not noticed that?"

"My, God, Hermione. You're right. And quit calling me Professor. While you are in my private rooms, you must call me Sev."

Hermione almost fell out of her chair in laughter. The dreaded Potions Master just told her to call him Sev. "Sure, Sev," she said sarcastically.

"Don't be cheeky," he said. "Anyway, you want to help me brew a new shampoo potion?"

"Sure, and while we're at it, we can talk about your ideas about the party."

They walked to his private lab, and she set herself up behind a cauldron. "Go gather materials, Sev," she said. "I'll set things up here."

He followed her order, and when he finished gathering the materials, he brought them to her. He sat back and watched her work. She looked up and asked, "What are your ideas?"

"Well, I have a few. We need to get a really great band, but since I have been out of the loop in that department for like my whole life, I was hoping you'd have an idea. Also, we could make it a dress up party of sorts. A couple of years ago, I found a potion that would change the taker into a costume," he said. "I have it around here, somewhere." He then started shuffling around papers on his desk.

Before he could find what he was looking for, he was interrupted by Hermione declaring she was finished with his new and improved shampoo potion. "Now, go wash you hair," she ordered. "I want to see how it works."

He obeyed and went to take a shower. When he was done, he hurriedly put on a pair of black trousers and a white button down shirt. He walked into his sitting room with his hair still wet, but he was also barefooted. "Here goes nothing," he said and pointed his wand to his head and whispered a drying spell. "It look okay?" he asked.

Hermione smiled in unspoken satisfaction. She said, "Fucking hell, we should market that stuff. It looks fabulous." She stood up to examine his hair closer. She ran her fingers through it, smelled it, and smiled at her brilliance. "I am a fucking miracle worker."

Severus smiled, but something happened when she started touching his hair. Something that hasn't happened in a long time, he felt desire for the girl in front of him. He didn't think about what he did, he just leaned in and kissed her. He was pleased when she didn't pull away in disgust. Instead, she was the one to deepen it. At this, he roughly pushed her onto the couch, and proceeded to have his way with her. Not that she complained.

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Just a few doors down, in the Slytherin common room, Harry, Draco, Blaise, and Pansy were sitting there chain smoking. Suddenly there was a peck on the window, and Harry stood up to open it for the owl that was franticly trying to get in. It flew directly to Draco, and he took the package and told it to go away.

He opened it, and fainted. Harry picked up the letter and read it aloud,

Draco-

Take care of Bubble for me, he has come to mean a great deal to me and I don't want him to get taken away from me by that gross, fake Michael Jackson.

Anyway, hope everything is well. Make new friends. Do you have enough socks?

Love you very much,

Daddy Lucius

Harry busted up laughing when he had finished. Suddenly he saw Bubbles. He was a very angsty ape in the corner, smoking a cigarette. "Good idea Bubbles," he said as he lit himself another cigarette.

When Draco came around, Harry said, "Twink, you okay?"

Blaise got a confused look on his face, "when did you start calling him 'Twink'," he asked.

"Just now. The pink hair and tie were what decided it. It is also derived from Tinkerbelle who was a fairy. Only real fairies faint."

Pansy laughed and said, "You're right. He is a Twink. Anyway, I gotta go get laid. I'll be back later," she said and she left the common room on the prowl.

"That is a good idea," Blaise said winking at Harry.

Harry looked at him and said, "Not in the mood." In fact he was starting to get sick of Blaise and his clingy nature. At first it was great, but now the man was always around. Blaise looked hurt at this comment and stalked his way upstairs to his dorm room.

Harry watched him go, and whispered, "Thank fucking god."

Draco's eyes shot open, and he said, "What the fucking hell? That is my best friend, and your boyfriend. What is going on?"

"Shut it, Twink, shit. Haven't you noticed that wherever I am Blaise is there? He is always there, smoking my cigarettes, and trying to get me in the sack. Hate to say this, but I think I am over him, and I haven't even broken up with him."

At that, Harry pulled a cigarette out and lit it. He offered Draco one, who did the same. Draco said, "What is the matter with him in the sack?"

"Nothing really, it is just always the same. He sucks me off, and I fuck him. No spontaneity," he said. "There is also the fact that no matter where I hide, he finds me."

"Have you told him this?"

"Yeah, I tried. He didn't listen," Harry said. "Draco, you cannot tell him any of this! If you do, I really will make you the girl you should have been."

"Don't worry, Potter, I won't say a word. But I have a problem."

"What is it, Twink?"

"This," Draco said, and kissed him. Harry kissed him back and took control of the kiss. There were all the butterflies he was supposed to feel when he kissed Blaise. However, with Blaise they weren't there.

Draco pulled away, and said, "Wow."

"Damn fucking straight," Harry said cockily.

"Shit, how are we going to tell Blaise about this?"

"We don't. We make him think that he is breaking my heart."

Draco perked up, "Wow, how very Slytherin of you. I like it. If Blaise broke up with you then it wouldn't look like I was stealing his boyfriend."

Harry kissed him and said, "You catch on quick, Twink. Anyway, I am going to go and make up with Ron. I think I have left him dangling long enough."

"Ummm… Potter, I think you should wait for a while."

"Why is that?"

"Because, when Pansy said that she was going to get laid, she was going to get laid by Ron. I hear he is a real stallion in the sack. To the boys, you're the sex god of Gryffindor. However, he's the sex god to the girls."

Harry's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe it. Ron, who tripped over his own feet, was a great lay. "Fine, what do you want to do then?" Harry asked Draco. "I, for one, don't want to think of Ron and Pansy doing whatever they are doing."

Draco laughed, "We could make out," he said.

TBC 

**Okey dokey, there you go…. Now Review!**


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